Maried's rant about Italian men

Let me preface this by saying, Maried is over Italian men.

Not that I was ever under them, Ellen.

If you have no qualms about wearing any of the following, you should never approach a woman who is not wearing animal print (unless you are a footballer. Then anything is allowed):

a) a sweater or any upper-body wear (leather jackets included) around your waist

b) t-shirts with cartoons on them

c) windbreakers

d) screen print on your ass. Just go home.

e) [unless you are a Real Madrid player, you do not reserve the right to wear] a MURSE.

f) jeggings. Save it for the size 0s that own vaginas.

g) a t-shirt from any of the world's 400,000 Hard Rock Cafés.

Sidebar: the second you ask a girl what perfume she uses, you have banished yourself to I-Will-DEFINITELY-Never-Make-Out-With-You Land. And if you can properly identify my perfume, you are my new gay.

SIDEBAR: If we don't want to dance, we don't want to dance. That doesn't make us 95 and arthritic. And that doesn't mean we don't like fun. It just means we don't like you.

That's not to say that Americans dress perfectly either. In fact, one could argue that they dress like an Italian lesbian. Things that should not be permitted, but are sadly condoned:

a) gym shoes.

b) cargo shorts. Which went out of style the day they became popular.

c) really, just anything you would ever exercise in. Unless you exercise in NOTHING.

Sidebar: I've actually never been to an American bar.   I have always abided by the law.

In conclusion, I will die alone.



P.S. If you look like this, you will get laid. Good luck:

P.P.S. Don't overanalyze this post.  Always take into account: we are always right, and you are always wrong. 

Baci xx